Let's Talk About Feelings

The Honesty is the New Black opening came and went, and it was a success in my book. Fun was had, and we even sold some art! I now think that when I have an idea, i should scale it down to 20%, THEN go with it. This opening included. Organizing the logistics to have artists sending work from Colorado, coming from SF, Sacto, and Tahoe, dealing with gallery people, promo, pr, it's actually stressful. I kinda have a tendency to dismiss the things in my head, like stress. I've kinda always thought that feelings are stupid. Stupid in that they are not rational because they aren't. Feelings just are, so enjoy them if possible. And I've considered them not real. Not real in the sense that they don't exist anywhere but your own head. So I just dismiss them. I used to deal with emotions really easily. I just didn't pay them any mind. People tell me that I don't freak out. Which is true 'cause I generally don't. Then, lately, they've been creeping up on me. Stress piles up so high, and I ignore it for so long, that when it does come out, it's not pretty. The first and last time was in January in Vegas. I kinda feel bad, 'cause some people have only known me since i've been stressed. And that's not me.

While up in Costa Mesa for the show, and hanging around all the artists and friends, I tried to take a step away from myself. I used to be like them. Skating in the parking lots, pulling dumb pranks. I remember a friend in highschool who told me she thought i didn't take anything seriously. I was the guy always looking for fun. My buddy here in sd said that i used to find everyone interesting, even people he thought weren't cool or whatever. Shane kept going on about my gift of gab. I could talk to almost anyone and make them laugh. is this true? who have i become? or am i growing up? or am i growing bitter? when did this happen? is it because of automaton? admittedly, there's more stress than i care to admit with running a business. I thought Jessica's comment yesterday on how the way she knows me isn't very "nuanced" was interesting. Am i losing all dimensions? That is not my goal. My goal has been the same since day 1. All i want is a simple life. Cosy house, a woman that accepts me and eventually a kid. Walk to surf. Safety. A garden. I don't wanna bother anyone, and i don't want anyone to bother me. Is the path i'm on now steps to accomplishing that goal? It's tough for people to take a step away from themselves. Most people avoid doing it at all. I'm doing it right now. It's a big re-evaluation period right now for me. It's like spring cleaning for the head. What i do need is a good surf.

Here are some of the homies pre-game at the Honesty show. I was working the gallery yesterday solo and it kinda hit me: I was surrounded by art spawned from an idea in my head. An idea that's tied to a seriously painful event in my life. So i'm basically basting in my own pain by sitting in that gallery. Hmm, maybe i need that to heal? Someone said that pain is priceless... Snowboarding Saves Lives!